Unworthy?

Worth.  Worthiness.  What does that really mean?  I found myself dwelling in my quiet time on my worthiness as a person, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a business owner...

I can remember as a preteen and teenager hoping, wishing, and praying for a boyfriend.  Someone who would choose me to love and spend time with.  You know, because your family had to love you, had to spend time with you, and they really did not have a choice in the matter.  Oh, the things we believe when we are young!  I remember the longing I felt to be chosen by that perfect guy who sweep me off my feet just like in all the books I read. 

Even after saying yes to marrying Thomas, I still could not believe he CHOSE me.  Why would he CHOOSE to spend the rest of his life with crazy me?  Time and time again, Thomas reassured me that he loved me and WANTED to live his life with me.  It was his constant reassurance that made me realize how much he loved me... loved me enough to CHOOSE me.  You know, some days, I still wonder what he sees in my crazy, emotional roller coaster, doubting self.  BUT, I never wonder if he loves me.  I know he does without a doubt.

See that?  He is smiling. At ME.  Love him.

My relationship with God is like this too.  I know he LOVES me.  I know he CHOSE me. But I still cannot comprehend why! 

 In John 1:27 the Bible says, "It is HE who comes after me, the thong whose sandal I am unworthy to untie." God is Holy.  He is set apart.  He is the Alpha and Omega.  He created the world, the heavens and things in the world.  And He CHOSE to create us.  Huh.  He chose to create us.  The God of all the universe who is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent chose to create me.  God is perfect in all things.  He who sent his son as a perfect sacrifice... chose to create me.  I am unworthy of God.  I am less than holy. (Maybe holier than thou some days unfortunately.)  I am not set apart.  I am not HOLY.  But I am His.  In Leviticus 20:26, God tells the people of Israel again "Thus you are to be holy to Me; for I the Lord am holy; and I have set you apart from the peoples to be Mine".

And He gave me the freedom to choose too.  The freedom to choose to worship a holy and magnificent creator or the freedom to turn away.  The freedom to seek Him daily or turn from His ways completely.  The freedom to follow anything else in this world but Him.  He gave us free will.  Free Choice. Freedom to mess up our lives.  Freedom to do anything but what He wants us to do.  Because why would anyone want someone to love them if they did not choose to love them?  Isn't that the greatest compliment ever?  To say I choose to love you. God CHOSE me to love.  He wants my love in return. He wants ME to choose HIM.

Which is more than I can comprehend.  Why would the God of the universe want me to love Him? More importantly why would He choose to love me despite how I treat Him.  He chooses to love me no matter how much I screw up.  No matter how often I think only of my self, my plan, my way.  He chooses ME.

And on top of Him choosing little old messed up me, He doesn't just choose me.  He tells me I am HIS child.  HIS heir.  Galatians 3:29 says "And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants, HEIRS according to promise."  

Let that soak in a minute.  

I am an only child of my Mama's.  That means everything she has I will inherit one day as her heir.  Nobody to argue, fuss, or fight with about who gets what or nobody to share the burden of loss with and relive the joys either.

BUT GOD, calls me an heir.  His child.  That means that everything God has will be mine too.  Shoot, I would just settle to sit at His feet.  To ask Him questions and hear His voice clearly.  To no longer feel pains of guilt and sadness and confusion.  Isn't it amazing that we get all that and everything God has for His children?

Am I worthy? Nope.  Not a single chance.  But He still CHOOSES me.  Still chases after me.  Still seeks my love and my attention.  I don't want to be unworthy of God's love.  That's why His LOVE is so amazing though.  As I pursue Him and His ways, He works to perfect me.  Some days He has to work harder than others!  "Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2-4)  

So today, I will just settle for CHOSEN.  I don't have to try to be worthy every minute of every day.  He still chooses me and pursues me with His PERFECT love.  

Oh and just to clarify... now that I am older and as a wife and mother I get it.  Families do choose to love.  I have seen families who didn't and people who weren't.  I am so thankful mine did choose to love me.  I am thankful that Thomas chose me and chooses me daily.  And I am thankful that I can CHOOSE to love them too.

Impatient Me...

So let's be honest... I am incredibly impatient.  Like five year old impatient. Ok, maybe more like 10 years old because I have a five year old and I would like to think I act better than him.  HA!  But still, when I get something in my head that I want and I can justify that I can afford it and really NEED it, I am ready right then to go get it.  It's painful to wait, to not self indulge, to not satisfy what you think you need, want, and deserve.

Lately, I have felt more and more restless in my spirit--which leads to being more and more restless in my thoughts and crazier in my moods. Sorry, family!  I admit sheepishly that I am a control freak. I like STRUCTURE!  I like PLANS!  I like LISTS!  Too bad I don't utilize those tools better.

But, perhaps God is reminding me that HE is in control.  That He will give me EVERYTHING I need and want. Only it will be according to HIS plan, HIS list, and must be done HIS way. Now is when I feel weak.  When I struggle the most to relinquish control. I've always been this way. This constant struggle with God.  My heart knows that God provides.  My heart knows that God blesses in ways that we can never imagine.  But my head, oh my over analyzing, never-stop-thinking brain of mine won't give up very easily.

My friends hear me say over and over that I wish God would just lay it out there for me.  His PLAN for me.  Whack me upside the head with a skillet with an Ah HA moment of clarity!  Instead, He whispers so softly that I obviously fail to pay attention often enough or I wouldn't be feeling like this again.  Like I'm in His waiting room again.  Waiting on things I can't control.  Waiting on the next door to open.  Waiting to know the results of my tests.  Waiting to know the next move in the game of life.

Isn't that where He wants us though?  In constant NEED of Him?  Doesn't He find JOY with us drawing nearer to Him? Don't WE find JOY when we draw near?

So I will wait upon the Lord.  I will endure my impatient spirit and seek God.  I will pray more often and listen more closely for the faint whisper.  Would you pray for me and with me too?  Pray that I don't miss what God is saying to me.  Pray that He reveal my next move in His plan for me.  Pray that I will set myself aside.

I went for a walk this afternoon... started out as exercise (because I need too!) but it became a time of prayer and praise and reflection and hopefully a little listening as well.  I committed to 21 days of exercise and prayer time.  Getting my body and my mind and my heart in shape all at the same time.  I'm urgently praying for answers.  Thirty minutes carved out for God and myself.

I pray my over analyzing brain will shut up long enough to hear God's whisper and that I will fully relinquish myself to His plan.

 

These two were certainly worth the wait in His waiting room.  

The Simple Life

We were honored this week to be invited to an Amish wedding.  My husband's parents, Tommy and Mitzi, met them for the first several years ago when looking for a Belgian horse to purchase.  Marlon and Josephine  and their children (Delores, Rosie, Olen, Karen, Amanda, Willis, and Matthew) have become almost an extension of our family.  When Tommy died four years ago in October, our Amish family traveled all the way from Indiana to serve as pall bearers beside our English (that's what they call us) family.  Over the last four years, I have been truly blessed to know and learn more about this quiet group of people that seem to know how to live life focused on what's most important-- their faith.

I posted on Facebook that we were excited to attend this wedding and was amazed at how many people seem to be curious about Amish life.  I will share with you about the wedding, but I will preface this with the reminder that each Amish community has their own traditions and customs.  You may have heard of different things that happen or ways things are prepared but I can only speak to what I myself know as true.  I will also tell you that I asked permission of Marlon to take pictures.  He granted me permission to take pictures of the reception area but asked me not to include any people.  Out of respect you won't see any pictures of our kind friends-- not even from a distance.  However, I can tell you they were beautiful in the most simple way.

Weddings in this Amish community in Indiana begin as soon as weather allows in March and run every Friday through June.  Weddings are an all day affair!  We "English" run around for a whole day getting ready for a 15 minute ceremony and a 2 hour reception which might serve 200 people some simple hors d'oeuvres.

Weddings are held at the family home of the bride.  Just like ours, the bride's family is responsible for all the parts of the wedding.  There isn't any rehearsal dinner the night before.  However, we arrived the night before to an all ready tired family. A tent had been erected with makeshift bench seating-- enough to seat almost 600 people!  The detached shop or garage type area had been turned into a beautiful reception area. They had a large cooking trailer with four ovens, dishes, serving trays, tables, and such.  They also had a large cooling trailer for all the prepared food.  They even had to bring in portable restrooms and a small barn for hats and coats.

The custom of the Amish is to wait until the young couple officially publishes their intent to wed and a wedding date at church before any plans can begin.  Delores and her groom published sometime in late September... a mere 7 months ago for planning.

The actual wedding service began at 9:00 am on Friday morning.  Horse and buggies were everywhere!  As we entered the tent, the men sat to one side and the ladies to another.  The children sat with either parent and there were lots of children. (Still trying to figure out their secret to such quiet children!)  In the center of the tent were a few rows of actual chairs.  Ten chairs were for the ministers of the community lined up against one side of the tent.  Six chairs were in the middle with chairs on both sides for parents, grandparents, and special guests (us).  Men and women were still separated, although they did encourage our family to sit together.  The bride and groom are accompanied in the ceremony with two other couples that are referred to as witnesses.

Most everyone wore simple black and white.  There were no flowers, no decorations, no bridal march, no make up, and no worrying about who sits next to who.

The service began with singing (men only) by the father of the bride (Marlon). All of the songs were praise songs. All of the songs were in complete German. Well this community's dialect of German. None of which I understood. (We have often enjoyed joining them in English singing these songs after family dinners when we visit, so yes women do sing.  Sometimes they use mouth harps (harmonicas) but no other instruments are ever used.)  I can tell you that listening to the harmony of about 300 men singing praise to God will bring anyone near tears.  What a blessing!

After the first song, the ministers (all 10) filed out and took the bridal party with them.  The men continued to sing several songs (about 30-45 minutes worth) while the ministers met with the bridal party.  The ministers returned in to the tent and the bridal party filed in and sat down facing opposite from their partner.  Three ministers actually spoke (all in German minus a few English words here and there) during the service.  The service was a reminder that God is the most important part of a marriage and how marriage should be.  One minister was the bride's uncle and the other was her grandfather.  Her grandfather actually married them.  The service was a good 2 1/2 hours long.  I did miss the actual ceremony because Ethan just could not sit that long quietly.  However, I was told the bride and groom were asked the questions and they responded yes to all three. No wedding rings. At the very end one of the witness couples were published in front of the church and announced their wedding date in May.

Afterwards, all of the guests were invited to eat at the first meal (lunch). They actually served three meals that day with around 1000 people served. Wow!  We were seated at long tables with benches.  Here is a picture or two of the reception room:

 Blue was the chosen color of the bride.  So all of these are beautiful blue glass candy dishes and cake stands.

 There were 40 young people chosen as servers for the meals.  Each served by passing food family style from one end of the tables to the other from these carts.  Notice the wooden wall plaques in the first picture. Those were the gifts that each server received as tokens of appreciation.  Beautiful carved and hand painted and also included printed mugs for the wedding.

This is the table for the bridal party.  Yes they have a wedding cake and they did receive gifts.

The meal was marinated and grilled turkey breast, corn, creamy potatoes, noodles, fresh bread, and broccoli salad.  I can tell you that I felt like a complete glutton it was that good.  They prepared 500 pounds of meat just for that day!   Then came dessert.  The wedding cake was not actually cut until later when Josephine (mother of the bride) decided it needed eaten instead of just looked at! LOL.  Many ladies in the community however brought cakes -- Red Velvet, German Chocolate, Carrot cake, you name it...  and they had been sliced and placed on all the cake stands.  Which we had to stare at while we ate all the other fantastic food! It's a real incentive not too overeat before dessert.  Plus the family baked about 60 pecan pies and 60 pudding pies!

The other two meals served at 4:00 and 6:30 were mainly for the young people.  We wanted to be there and were invited but our family was a little sick that night. Thank you Ethan for sharing your virus with the whole family :(

The bride and groom did not go on a honeymoon although some do.  They did spend the night in the bride's family home which is very common.  They will live for awhile in  a portion of the shop area turned living quarters until their home is finished around the end of summer.

I feel like I have written 10 pages!  The wedding was wonderful and really such a special memory for all of us.  If you have questions please feel free to ask.

The Gifts of Dancing and Cookies..

Today I spent an hour listening to praise and worship music with my boys and dancing in the living room.  Several times tears just flowed from the joy of the moment.  Two months ago I would have missed out on this opportunity to be silly and teach my lack of rhythm to my boys.  Two months ago I might have played the music but it would have just been for myself in my classroom grading papers.  I would have missed the joy of listening to Lane trying to sing the words of the praise songs I love to hear.  I would have missed being able to hold Ethan as we swayed in the living room.  Two months ago I wouldn't have had time to do these things.  Today I could.

Lane had his four year check up today.  Poor baby...shots too.  He hasn't really ever cried about shots, but today he did.  Apparently these were doozies. (I tried to look that word up... who knows how to really spell it.. but you know what I'm trying to say.)  One shot in each leg at the same time...we made it through, but the second one in the leg.. yeah that got us... oh how he screamed and my heart just hurt.  Mamas know what its like... holding your baby down so they won't kick or pull and hurt more.  Talk about hard.  With promises of stickers and suckers he calmed down and went with Nurse Cathy to get his prizes... moaning all the while that he couldn't walk. LOL...The promise of making chocolate chip cookies with Mama helped too.  A little Tylenol, a good nap, and dinner made everything all right with the world again.

Two months ago I would have wanted to make chocolate chip cookies with him to make him feel better.  Two months ago I would have.  But two months ago, I would have worked all day before the doctor visit.  I would have been drained and stressed.  Two months ago I might have (probably) growled about making them while feeling guilty that I was growling.  But today, well we made chocolate chip cookies and everyone got to help...even Ethan.  LOL...no stress, no growling, no guilt.  Just pure cookie making bliss... did I mention how GOOD they were too?

Not every day is this good... but every day has a gift if we look for it.  Thank you God for mine today.  
Here are my cookie monsters!

 Ethan is stretching to get to that bowl!

Two happy boys!

Milk mustache!

Can't miss the chocolate chip cookie grin in this picture... notice my third cookie monster in the background.

Hamster Wheels

I told my friend yesterday that my brain feels like there are 10 different hamster wheels churning all the time these days.  My brain is constantly on go with ideas churning for all the different areas and activities of my life.  If anyone tells you that quitting your job will simply your life they are lying to you! LOL

At any given moment I could be thinking about school, student council, my duties as FFA alumni president, what to cook for dinner, what new bread to try baking, wondering about the costs of materials and ingredients, how to teach my boys come January, how to not lose my mind when I am at home with my precious boys in January, and the list goes on and on and on! Whew!

Seriously though, I am feeling rather overwhelmed these days.  I keep reminding myself to try to focus on only one thing and don't get caught up in how much I don't know. Maybe part of it is I am just so excited about the way God is moving in my life right now. I am constantly telling myself God is bigger than all these decisions.  If He led me to make this decision (which He did) then LET HIM lead.  Yes, Lord I hear you!  The problem is me.  Yep, me.  I get in the way of myself. Do you?  I mean get in the way of God trying to bless your life?  It's a control issue I have.  Ask my husband. On second thought, don't.  Bless him!  I never intentionally think "I must be in control of this!"  It just happens and then I have a melt down... and then I remember that God is really in control if I let Him.  And when I do everything gets better.

So I am striving to shut down these hamster wheels I have been battling.  Trying to let go and let God as they say.  It's amazing the things that start happening when you do.

Walking by faith...

So this is my first post, my first attempt at blogging.  I admit its a little daunting to let the world in to your life.  Of course I have always said my life is an open book.  It's wondering if anyone wants to read the book that's daunting! 

In the last two weeks life has changed dramatically.  Thoughts, dreams, wishes, and prayers have been merged into the possibility and then the reality of one event.  I am sure others have been in this place before on the verge of something new filled with excitement with a twinge (ok some moments BIG twinges) of fear.  

Perhaps I should just get on with the story so if anyone does read this they will know what I am referring to!  (Yes I know that you should not end a sentence with a preposition, but this is more about what I have to say than having correct grammar! LOL)

This year marks the beginning of my ninth year teaching high school.  The first three years I taught Agriculture and the last six years have been spent in a ninth grade only science classroom.  (I have always said that you  have to be crazy to teach ninth graders and its true.  They make you want to pull your hair out one minute and love them until you cry the next.) Now at Christmas I am leaving teaching to pursue an opportunity to love on my own boys and maybe live out a dream of mine.

I didn't want to teach when I started college.  I wanted to be a motivational speaker.  Travel the country talking to young people convincing them to be all that they could be and all that God would have them be.  Then I convinced myself that I should just settle on being a teacher.  Nothing wrong with security, health insurance, summers off, long Christmas breaks, etc.    I also believed (and still do) that in many ways teaching is being a motivational speaker.  Perhaps not very glamorous but what an opportunity to have somebody listen to what you say and maybe, just maybe, take it to heart.  In nine years, I am estimating that 1100 students have walked through my classroom doors.  Wow. I can only pray that I have made a positive impact somehow.

So the opportunity....  God has been working hard to get my heart ready to say yes.  Thanks to the generosity of my mother I am staying home after Christmas with my two precious, lively boys (Lane is almost 4 and Ethan is 14 months old).  I will also be trying my hand at a baking business.  I have loved baking since I was a little girl.  One of the ways my heart sings is to hear someone tell me how great something I have made was.  

Perhaps this will really be a road to Sweet Beginnings for me. (That's going to be the name of my business too!)