Unworthy?

Worth.  Worthiness.  What does that really mean?  I found myself dwelling in my quiet time on my worthiness as a person, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a business owner...

I can remember as a preteen and teenager hoping, wishing, and praying for a boyfriend.  Someone who would choose me to love and spend time with.  You know, because your family had to love you, had to spend time with you, and they really did not have a choice in the matter.  Oh, the things we believe when we are young!  I remember the longing I felt to be chosen by that perfect guy who sweep me off my feet just like in all the books I read. 

Even after saying yes to marrying Thomas, I still could not believe he CHOSE me.  Why would he CHOOSE to spend the rest of his life with crazy me?  Time and time again, Thomas reassured me that he loved me and WANTED to live his life with me.  It was his constant reassurance that made me realize how much he loved me... loved me enough to CHOOSE me.  You know, some days, I still wonder what he sees in my crazy, emotional roller coaster, doubting self.  BUT, I never wonder if he loves me.  I know he does without a doubt.

See that?  He is smiling. At ME.  Love him.

My relationship with God is like this too.  I know he LOVES me.  I know he CHOSE me. But I still cannot comprehend why! 

 In John 1:27 the Bible says, "It is HE who comes after me, the thong whose sandal I am unworthy to untie." God is Holy.  He is set apart.  He is the Alpha and Omega.  He created the world, the heavens and things in the world.  And He CHOSE to create us.  Huh.  He chose to create us.  The God of all the universe who is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent chose to create me.  God is perfect in all things.  He who sent his son as a perfect sacrifice... chose to create me.  I am unworthy of God.  I am less than holy. (Maybe holier than thou some days unfortunately.)  I am not set apart.  I am not HOLY.  But I am His.  In Leviticus 20:26, God tells the people of Israel again "Thus you are to be holy to Me; for I the Lord am holy; and I have set you apart from the peoples to be Mine".

And He gave me the freedom to choose too.  The freedom to choose to worship a holy and magnificent creator or the freedom to turn away.  The freedom to seek Him daily or turn from His ways completely.  The freedom to follow anything else in this world but Him.  He gave us free will.  Free Choice. Freedom to mess up our lives.  Freedom to do anything but what He wants us to do.  Because why would anyone want someone to love them if they did not choose to love them?  Isn't that the greatest compliment ever?  To say I choose to love you. God CHOSE me to love.  He wants my love in return. He wants ME to choose HIM.

Which is more than I can comprehend.  Why would the God of the universe want me to love Him? More importantly why would He choose to love me despite how I treat Him.  He chooses to love me no matter how much I screw up.  No matter how often I think only of my self, my plan, my way.  He chooses ME.

And on top of Him choosing little old messed up me, He doesn't just choose me.  He tells me I am HIS child.  HIS heir.  Galatians 3:29 says "And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants, HEIRS according to promise."  

Let that soak in a minute.  

I am an only child of my Mama's.  That means everything she has I will inherit one day as her heir.  Nobody to argue, fuss, or fight with about who gets what or nobody to share the burden of loss with and relive the joys either.

BUT GOD, calls me an heir.  His child.  That means that everything God has will be mine too.  Shoot, I would just settle to sit at His feet.  To ask Him questions and hear His voice clearly.  To no longer feel pains of guilt and sadness and confusion.  Isn't it amazing that we get all that and everything God has for His children?

Am I worthy? Nope.  Not a single chance.  But He still CHOOSES me.  Still chases after me.  Still seeks my love and my attention.  I don't want to be unworthy of God's love.  That's why His LOVE is so amazing though.  As I pursue Him and His ways, He works to perfect me.  Some days He has to work harder than others!  "Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2-4)  

So today, I will just settle for CHOSEN.  I don't have to try to be worthy every minute of every day.  He still chooses me and pursues me with His PERFECT love.  

Oh and just to clarify... now that I am older and as a wife and mother I get it.  Families do choose to love.  I have seen families who didn't and people who weren't.  I am so thankful mine did choose to love me.  I am thankful that Thomas chose me and chooses me daily.  And I am thankful that I can CHOOSE to love them too.

Impatient Me...

So let's be honest... I am incredibly impatient.  Like five year old impatient. Ok, maybe more like 10 years old because I have a five year old and I would like to think I act better than him.  HA!  But still, when I get something in my head that I want and I can justify that I can afford it and really NEED it, I am ready right then to go get it.  It's painful to wait, to not self indulge, to not satisfy what you think you need, want, and deserve.

Lately, I have felt more and more restless in my spirit--which leads to being more and more restless in my thoughts and crazier in my moods. Sorry, family!  I admit sheepishly that I am a control freak. I like STRUCTURE!  I like PLANS!  I like LISTS!  Too bad I don't utilize those tools better.

But, perhaps God is reminding me that HE is in control.  That He will give me EVERYTHING I need and want. Only it will be according to HIS plan, HIS list, and must be done HIS way. Now is when I feel weak.  When I struggle the most to relinquish control. I've always been this way. This constant struggle with God.  My heart knows that God provides.  My heart knows that God blesses in ways that we can never imagine.  But my head, oh my over analyzing, never-stop-thinking brain of mine won't give up very easily.

My friends hear me say over and over that I wish God would just lay it out there for me.  His PLAN for me.  Whack me upside the head with a skillet with an Ah HA moment of clarity!  Instead, He whispers so softly that I obviously fail to pay attention often enough or I wouldn't be feeling like this again.  Like I'm in His waiting room again.  Waiting on things I can't control.  Waiting on the next door to open.  Waiting to know the results of my tests.  Waiting to know the next move in the game of life.

Isn't that where He wants us though?  In constant NEED of Him?  Doesn't He find JOY with us drawing nearer to Him? Don't WE find JOY when we draw near?

So I will wait upon the Lord.  I will endure my impatient spirit and seek God.  I will pray more often and listen more closely for the faint whisper.  Would you pray for me and with me too?  Pray that I don't miss what God is saying to me.  Pray that He reveal my next move in His plan for me.  Pray that I will set myself aside.

I went for a walk this afternoon... started out as exercise (because I need too!) but it became a time of prayer and praise and reflection and hopefully a little listening as well.  I committed to 21 days of exercise and prayer time.  Getting my body and my mind and my heart in shape all at the same time.  I'm urgently praying for answers.  Thirty minutes carved out for God and myself.

I pray my over analyzing brain will shut up long enough to hear God's whisper and that I will fully relinquish myself to His plan.

 

These two were certainly worth the wait in His waiting room.